Limerence - an obsession that feels good, until it doesn't ...
Do you feel like you don't just like a person romantically, you are obsessed with them? You think of them day in, day out. When they speak to you your entire day is made, but eventually it wears off and you are left insatiable, feeling uncomfortable and tetchy, maybe even anxious or feeling depressed?
Perhaps you may be experiencing limerence ...
Limerence, a term coined by psychologist, Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s, is an intense infatuation and obsession with another person that can be completely all-consuming for individuals that experience this. To be clear, this is not a diagnosis but it can be emotionally painful and difficult to conquer. In my work with clients who experience limerence we often find that they feel like the person is a 'drug' that they cannot quit. In some cases a person may experience intense self-loathing, especially in situations when they are being 'lead on' by the limerent object (the object of the obsession). Whilst this is not always the case, this can be especially difficult due to, to use the colloquial term, the 'bread crumbing' of affection that can respark the intensity of the infatuation. They may be aware that the person is not reciprocating and is not being honest, but they feel so completely at the mercy of the feeling because it feels good.
This is an important aspect of the limerence, if it was all bad then it likely wouldn't be something so difficult to move through. The thoughts, the longing, and the fantasies become rewards by hijacking our reward system and our dopamine pathways. Once you get that 'hit' you feel ecstatic, but with each rejection or lack of reciprocation comes the 'withdrawal': the anxiety, and the depression etc.
Limerece exists on a spectrum. In its early stages, it can feel exhilarating and may even inspire motivation, feelings of being able to 'take on the world'. However, if it becomes obsessive, it can lead to emotional distress, anxiety, or depression. Healthy love typically involves oxytocin and vasopressin, which foster secure attachment, rather than the dopamine-driven obsession of limerence.
In order to keep those rewards coming we are then geared to seek out reinforcements to keep the flames of the fantasies alive - little signs. Some that I have witnessed from working with those that experience limerence include - obsessively consulting psychics, looking for signs such as repeated numbers, and engaging in Magical Thinking.
In incredibly simplified terms, Magical Thinking, a term often used within CBT, refers to a person's belief that they have some form of control over external outcomes in an omnipotent and superstitious way: e.g. believing that it is going to rain because they thought it would happen (know as thought-action fusion), or thinking that if they walk over three drain covers that something bad will happen. This is not a way of dismissing faith or religion or spirituality, and this type of behaviour isn't always problematic (e.g. old wives tales that we socially partake in such as saluting magpie's or saying 'bless you' to someone who sneezes). However, sometimes, in the case of diagnoses such as OCD these can become imprisoning and excruciatingly painful obsessions with the belief that terrifying consequences will follow.
Now, without being derailed into OCD, my main point here is that Magical Thinking exists within limerence - this can be in things like constantly engaging in activities that a person believes will 'manifest' their LO (limerent object), it can also look like shuffling songs on your music playlist and believing that if a certain song plays it will mean XYZ about said person - both in a positive and negative way "they like me/they hate me".
Once a person is transfixed with a LO, they goal is always about getting that hit and feeling burdened and trapped by this obsession. Many people will be brought to tears and feel that their life is on hold or completely taken over by limerence, and in this way it is often likened to an addiction - a person addiction if you will.
In an article published on the site 'Living with Limerence', Tom summarises the key features of this experience:
"The defining features are (paraphrasing and simplifying slightly):
Frequent intrusive thoughts about the limerent object (LO), who is a potential sexual partner.
An acute need for reciprocation of equally strong feeling.
Exaggerated dependency of mood on LO’s actions: elation when sensing reciprocation, devastation when sensing disinterest.
Inability to react limerently to more than one person at a time.
Fleeting relief from unrequited feeling through vivid fantasy about reciprocation by the LO.
Insecurity or shyness when in the presence of the LO, often manifesting in overt physical discomfort (sweating, stammering, racing heart).
Intensification of feelings by adversity.
An aching sensation in “the heart” when uncertainty is strong.
A general intensity of feeling that leaves other concerns in the background.
A remarkable ability to emphasise the positive features of the LO, and minimise, or empathise with, the negative.
I would also add to Tennov’s list: a desire for exclusivity."
If you experience limerence, and relate to any of the above, including Tom's list, I want to reinforce that this isn't a personal failing, it is something that is incredibly uncomfortable and can feel trapping, but through understanding why limerence is talking hold for you personally, by understanding how you engage in the rewards loops, and demystifying the LO and limerent experience, we might just start to find the way out - and create space for real love and a life worth living!
If this feels like you and you would like support with expereinces of limerence or other challenging behaviours, I invite you to get in touch so we can set up an initial consultation to explore how I can support you and your needs (and so you get more of a sense of me!).
My Shoreditch studio with all the supplies out to find alternative ways to explore experiences that aren't just words!
I look forward to hearing from you, and I hope you have a wonderful rest of your weekend.
Take good care,
Cat :)
Today's blog post music to finish on (it takes a couple of seconds to get going!):
Disclaimer: these blog posts are general articles to discuss certain themes, they are not a replacement for therapy or medical support.
