I don't want to be left all alone!
- 1 day ago
- 4 min read
When a fear of abandonment feels like a threat to life ...
Do you have those nagging, persistent thoughts? "they are pretending to like me/if they really knew me they'd hate me!/They'll find something out about me and reject me/ I'm too much!". Perhaps you overthink every sentence you say, notice every move and emotional change within your partner, trying to navigate the idea that they are just getting ready to leave you ... If only you could control every element to ensure that no one will leave ...
Fear of abandonment is a deeply rooted anxiety that affects so many people. It often shows up as a persistent worry about being left out, rejected, or unwanted by the people we love and people we care about. This fear can shape how we connect with others, sometimes leading to challenges in forming and maintaining healthy relationships. Understanding this fear is the first step toward healing and building stronger bonds. As humans we need community to feel safe and content - it is hugelt important. However the fixation on others to make us feel better or the need to be with someone in order to feel okay within ourselves and our sense of self can hold us back and even make us feel absolutely awful!
So where might we develop these fears of abandonment?
Often, this fear takes root in our early life experiences. For instance, children who face inconsistent caregiving, neglect, or loss may become particularly attuned to the threat of rejection. This can also include experiences with being bullied or teased. These formative experiences can lead to a deep-seated belief that others will eventually abandon us or stop caring.
In adulthood, this fear can be triggered by events such as breakups, betrayals, or even subtle signs of distance from loved ones. For example: not being invited to a hangout between two friends, noticing your partner is distracted or less talkative. The anxiety around being abandoned can feel overwhelming, causing people to act in ways that unintentionally push others away and, despite it not being intential, can lead to not considering what might be going on for those around us - maybe they need our support? Maybe they are having a bad day? Maybe they want to spend time with that person, but perhaps it isn't a reflection on your own relationship with them?.
How Fear of Abandonment Affects Relationships
People who struggle with this fear might:
Become overly dependent, seeking constant reassurance.
Avoid intimacy to protect themselves from potential hurt.
Misinterpret neutral actions as signs of rejection.
React with anger or withdrawal when they feel threatened.
For example, someone might repeatedly check their partner’s messages or become anxious when plans change or people cancel. These behaviors often stem from a deep seated need to feel secure but can create tension, misunderstandings and can sometimes lead to harm to the relationship.
So how might we approach this fear?
Managing our fears involves both self-awareness and communication. It can be scary to start to approach things that make us frightened, but it is an important part in understanding ourselves, reuniting with ourselves and helping deepen our relationships with the people we care about. Here are some helpful steps:
Recognise what prompts the fear to come up each time. Notice when feelings of abandonment arise and what situations provoke them. Try not to judge the feelings that come up - as I often say: this is "information" it is telling us something about ourselves and our experience.
Practice self-soothing techniques. Deep breathing, mindfulness, or journaling can help calm anxiety. Deep breathing helps us let our body know we are safe. When we need to run we breathe shallowly, however by breathing 'into our abdomen' we are communicating to our body somatically "there is no danger present for us to run from" which can help us to beging to regulate ourselves to be able to have a productive conversation with those around us. Journaling can be useful to get our thoughts out, but it can also be useful to reflect on later to see what was coming up for us.
Communicate openly. Share your feelings with trusted friends or partners without blaming them. E.g. "I've noticed that you aren't as talkative, how are you doing?". Sometimes people may not want to talk about it, but if you communicate the way you feel to the safe people around you, you might have already let them know that sometimes you feel anxious of people pull back on conversation. Earlier conversations is crucial for when those in the moment fears come up.
Build on ourselves. Engage in activities that encourage confidence and remind you of your value. Perhaps getting in touch with creativity!
Get in touch if it feels right for you! Therapy can provide tools to heal past wounds and develop healthier relationship patterns.
Building Healthy Connections Despite Fear
It is important not to judge yourself for feeling afraid, oftetimes it is the little version of you who is afraid of being abandoned out of the blue trying to make sense of the world now and protect themselves as hard as they can. Perhaps it is time to let them know that they aren't alone, because, as cheesy as it sounds, the adult version of you might be exactly what they need to learn to feel safe!
If you would like to start your therapy journey, and you are looking for online therapy, or therapy in Buckhurst Hill, Shoreditch, or Holborn (and I feel like a good fit for you!), please do have a read through the way I work and how I can support you here. You can also reach out to me via my contact form here, and we can have a chat about what you are looking for in our work together. I currently have availability in Shoreditch on Friday, and in Buckhurst Hill on Thursdays and Wednesdays. I look forward to hearing from you!
I hope you have a restful evening and a great week ahead. Take good care.
Cat :)
Today's blog post music to round it out!
