I'm not just angry - I'm fuming!

"If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can't survive" - Brené Brown.

You might know the feeling, a series of unfortunate events, a jumper getting caught on the door, feeling your sock sitting uncomfortably in your shoe, or someone not quite understanding what you're saying. Sometimes it builds quite rapidly.

Let me start by saying anger is a good and human emotion. Sometimes known as a 'boundary' emotion, it helps us to stay safe, get prepared to defend ourselves, and to propel us forwards. However, sometimes it doesn't always help us - sometimes it feels maybe a little too much for the situation at hand, or maybe you become known as 'flying off the handle' easily. After such experiences you may feel guilt, feel that you've hurt people and that you have to try to make ammends. It isn't comfortable and can sometimes have very difficult and impactful repercussions afterwards (it's also incredibly draining!).

Image by Wix

There are many reasons why you might become quick to anger - perhaps it is overwhelm or overstimulation as reflected in neurodivergence. However, it can also be linked to feeling unheard, misunderstood or undervalued early in life. Perhaps you felt powerless in dangerous situations or that there was a build up of crossed boundaries (in whatver form these may appear as), and maybe you felt let down time and again. Of course, this isn't prescriptive and, to reiterate, the reasons are numerous. What I am trying to convey is that, whilst not an ''excuse'' for challenging behaviours, this intensity may likely 'come from somewhere'.

There is a quote that I've seen doing the rounds online which read: "I sat with my anger long enough until she told me her real name was grief". Anger can be the attempt to articulate pain, a difficulty in communicating and disregulated experiences with emotion.

What I am getting at in my usual meandering fashion is, to address anger outbursts in therapy, and reflect on them in therapy, we first have to allow the emotion to be with us without condemning or shaming it, without saying 'you don't belong here' - it can become a welcome friend in the room. Then we ask gentle questions to 'it' (you): "what do you want to say here? What do you feel had led the anger? Is there something you feel I am not understanding? How are you feeling in your body as you get angrier? What feels overwhelming right now?" all questions that can help the anger be expeirnced as a recognised presence and as something valueabe in our communication surrounding your lived experience. Once we understand, we might be able to place the anger contextually, to understand what leads to it being expressed in the form of shouting or passive aggression, we can look at easier ways to get our needs met which don't involve 'throwing a match at petrol' and watching the scenario explode. This can also include laying boundaries safely and strongly to reflect our needs as well as exploring 'tools' for emotional regulation (somethign you may not have learned early on - especially if anger was a form of communication your family unit or the adults around you used to express themselves frequently). Additionally, as the previously mentioned quote gestures to - perhaps we would recognise that anger has been co-opted by other emotions that are hard to express or perhaps viewed as too vulnerable to express, and by being gentle with your experiences, we can see what else is being cloaked by the anger.

I work a lot with challenging behaviours (note that I don't say bad behaviours), everybody deserves to have their pain and struggles and difficulties seen and heard compassionately. Shaming behaviour constantly does not encourage healing, it segregates and alienates. Instead of focusing on shame which says "I'm evil, I'm undeserving", guilt says, instead, "I did XYZ wrong", and give us the opportunity to grow, adapt and learn. Recovering from feeling constantly dragged into angry episodes is for everyone, but we must start with the individual in therapy, to show kindness where there was shame, and understanding and curiosity where there is pain and alienation.

Many of my clients have articulated how freeing it was to have their feelings of shame and expressions of challenging behaviours heard and to experience no judgement for it. Their acceptance of their experience has lead to them having a deserved new lease of life and excitement for their futures. Carl Rogers, pioneer of the person-centred therapy modality said "the curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change". In order to get to that shift, we must sit in the discomfort, and, as suggested by the quote by Brené Brown at the top of this blog, this necessitates a kind, calming and compassionate presence (from both parties!).

If this feels like you and you would like support with your anger or other challenging behaviours, I invite you to get in touch so we can set up an initial consultation to explore how I can support you and your needs (and so you get more of a sense of me!).

My Shoreditch studio with all the supplies out to find alternative ways to explore experiences that aren't just words!

I look forward to hearing from you, and I hope you have a wonderful weekend ahead.

Take good care,

Cat :)

Today's blog post music to finish on (it takes a couple of seconds to get going!):

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